I can't make you love me

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you don't
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and Ill do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you don't
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you don't

I heard this song from "America's got talent," a girl sang it during the auditions. her father passed away not long ago, leaving her. & he was a pastor. So that makes her the daughter of a pastor. She didn't say how he died, but when the judges asked her why she wanted to sing, she said, she wanted to stand for American teens, not as the typical rebellious girls but someone who stood for something more. That was truly impressive. I think my heart broke when she started crying talking about her father.

& then when she sang it, with just a simple guitar for accompaniment, she really touched me with her voice. This a voice God blessed her with. Too bad I can't find her version. But I think this song is nice (:

But then it's such a sad song... [."]

Have you ever experienced that feeling of "insufferable gloom" (Quoting my lit text Edgar Allen Poe) & then when you think of something all you can do is just break down & cry even though it's the last thing you want to do?

& then you just try to laugh it off, say that you're fine, say that everything's going to be great, & that you don't know what came over you just now, shrug it off. After that you just immerse yourself in things & chores. Busy yourself with being a great daughter, being a good student, doing revision, studying & mugging, burying yourself in books, occupy yourself with anything else, like work. Go online, look for songs, watch videos & laugh at stupid things your family does sometimes. Appearing happy, laughing at everything & smiling enthusiastically at everyone you meet. Call someone you trust a lot, cry on the phone, then talk crap & joke with that person, feeling slightly better. Immerse yourself in work again. Flood your smses with emoticons that are happy & cheerful looking.

Then before you fall asleep, you look at the ceiling & toss & turn, unable to sleep well...

You wake up & try to pray. You call out to God for help. & then He rocks you to sleep... somehow. You fall asleep crying.

The next day begins. Basically, the same cycle happens all over again.

I experienced this before. When I realised that forcing myself to leave & distance myself from Wenfeng was something I had to do. It wasn't about whether I'd miss him & be super upset. Not anymore. Leaving is just the right thing to do. Because you know the more you cling on, the more difficult it is to leave & the more painful it gets when he leaves.

Sometimes I wished I wouldn't need to do the right thing. Sometimes I truly wished that I could do what I wanted to do.

But I know that that'd just be self-indulgence.

Sometimes we spend too much time relying on people. When all we need is God. Do I rely on people too much? Emotional attachment, that's what it's called.

We all need someone to encourage us. Not that God doesn't. He does.

I miss Hweeli. I miss Chewyan. So, so much... It's so tiring & vexing to separate spiritual troubles with non-spiritual ones & whom you can share them to.

Clinging onto God. Lord, will You get tired of calling me back one day? Because I'm starting to get tired clinging. The more I cling, the bigger the mountains get. Will Your hands be there to catch me before I fall into the depths of darkness? Because nobody else has the strength to pull me up besides You.

I always say I don't doubt that God loves me. But then, actually perhaps I do, deep down. Whenever I fail Him.

But I know that His grace is neverending & His heart is bigger than all our universes combined.

Humans get used to things. They adapt.

Good.








Yups (: Adapt.