In a @_@ mood

@_@

Warning: rather 'emo' post

Okies... I juz found out tt for my IS dun nid 2 rite abt credibility of e writer. So I'm lyk O.o wad???!!! I was juz saying that I nid posts tt can can be partially password protected!! T.T sadly blogger is unable to do that [".] I juz haf ... ... 2 ... ... rant! aaaaahhhhhhhh @_@ *chloe goes crazy tearing her hair out* ugh... tat was a bit perverse x_x I lyk this pict wif this dark lollipop tat has lost its colour. It's quite sad actually... coz lollipops r alwaz happy & cheery & optimistic looking. but this pict subverts that norm to comment on e darkness tat exists in this world of colour.

"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades"

I'm not innately optimistic. I juz tend to brainwash myself or sum sort [".] actuali I'm quite a pessimist. Especially when it cums 2 my own abilities or e type of person I m. I tend to doubt myself.

"A thousand times I've failed..."

Actually I'm quite short-tempered & easily irritated only I dun show it. Maybe if u dun understand tt, u might keep getting on my nerves, wifout even noeing it.

I duno how to tell others when I'm irritated. Coz maybe it's juz a passing moment. Maybe I'm juz in a bad mood temporarily.

"In your anger do not sin"

Avoid eyes, talk less in e person's presence...I avoid arguments. becoz I enjoy & delight in peace.

Even though maybe tt peace isnt long-lasting. Lyk a dystopic world. U scratch the surface & u see e imperfectns.

"....still Your mercy remains"

"And should I stumble again, still I'm caught in Your grace"

"My people, what have I done to you, And how have I wearied you? Answer Me." -Micah 6:3

Weariness of giving out faster than I take in. Weariness of overcommitment without depending on God. Weariness of seeing everyone chionging for prelims. Weariness of not being able to do my work because I don't know where or how to start. Weariness of seeing my poorly written IS tat takes up 30% of my A level exam CSC grade. Weariness of seeing no fruits ensuing yet. Weariness of this book that I don't understand without a study bible. Weariness of being so limited & constricted by the little time left.

"Weariness can only be a symptom that something has gone wrong with my piepline to heaven. Either it is stopped up with something or it is broken or I simply do not exert myself to turn on the spigot... Weariness in God usually begins with a wandering eye. That leads to a wandering heart, and soon I am off chasing a will-o'-the-wisp that seems momentarily delightful. It is in that stage of things that I become weary of God; He has lost His colour, His richness & His appeal to my heart. I am clearly on dangerous ground, and that is why God makes His strongest appeals to rekindle my appetite for Him. He asks me to deliberately surrender the trinkets of gold..."- [Daily with the King] by W Glyn Evans

"Every heartbeat says "Thank You Jesus"

When the sun rises or sets, a picture is formed in the skies. Each time I look at everything in the sky, I'm reminded of God's greatness & His ability to appreciate beauty.

"How I live again, by Your grace"

So prone to stumbling I am & so easily angry/irritated (I dun show it) with whoever tries to talk to me at e single hint of weariness they detect from me ... that everything I haf to sort it out with You directly first.

My wandering eyes r fixed on e problems...my IS, my grades, my family who's waiting to see if this is all juz a fad, tt it'll soon pass away, tt this to me is nothing, it's juz a outlet of leisure, of fun. My wandering heart points out the unhappiness that I feel when others try to help, try to understand and try to talk to me.

Five Loaves & Two Fishes- Corrinne May

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school. He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look. Thousands were listening to the stories of one man. He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night. Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight. The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had. He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed. But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus.The kindness in His smile.And the boy cried out With the trust of a child

He said:"Take my five loaves and two fishes. Do with it as you will. I surrender. Take my fears and my inhibitions, All my burdens, my ambitions, You can use it all to feed them all"

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small

And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands

And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have

Oh Lord, you can work miracles

All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes

Do with it as you willI surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions

All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all, I hope it's not too small.

I trust in you...I trust in you...

Chloe, do you remember what was said to you in camp?

Yes.

Chloe, do you remember what you promised Him in camp?

Yes.

I can continue to make excuses for myself. debate with myself. use my human mind to evaluate the cost & benefits. cry.

Or I can channel all of these doubts & fears in2 strength to study hard with Him in the centre. I duno how I'm gona do it. I duno how I'm gona jump to all A's in such a short time. I duno how I'm gona know more people. I duno how I'm gona complete a good IS in such a short time. I duno how I'm gona invite others.

But I know...

Psalm 126:4-6 (New International Version)

4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.

I take Your hand again. I'm in this with You. We're all in this together (: