God I really want to break free
God, yesterday I really totally realised the seriousness of how fear cripples me & how it has become so inherent that I am totally weakened by it when it overtakes me & this builds up a barrier I simply cannot break out of.
I really prepared to lead worship. I prayed, fasted, practised. But I really failed miserably because as the one leading worship, I did not even meet God myself. & everyone else did. Except me.
On the train ride home with God, I was pivoting to both extreme ends. "Hey, Chloe, you are really super bad. How can you lead worship & not meet God yourself? How on earth is that worship?" "No lahs, worship is not an inborne ability, it's an ability you learn with practice." "No, seriously, Chloe, you really are very, very terrible, you were not even loud enough, you were incoherent in your intro. " "it's ok, God knows you tried your best."
HmM now that I think about it... I think the voice that tries to discourage myself is definitely not what God would say to His child. Even if He rebukes, He doesn't rebuke in such an untactful manner. (LOLS!! ^^)
At QT I sat down with God and analysed what went wrong.
1) Fear.
Because of fear, I was unconfident of doing a good job. & because I expected myself to mess it up, I fulfilled my own expectations of messing up. I was not faithful enough to believe that I could do it fine on my first try so it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
2) Volume
Goes back to root issue of fear. Because I was afraid & panicked & relied on system, on practice, I was not Spirit-led. Everything was mechanic. Even my singing. So what if I was on tune most of the time? I sang for the sake of singing. The worst thing was it was almost not much different from singing at Karaoke. & my volume stayed consistently at a low level, as though I had a mic (which I obviously didn't). & yes, I practised but I never did practise singing loudly enough to cover the whole room.
& then I looked at what I wrote down & really despaired.
This is really saddening. As a worship leader, I have failed in the most important aspect (meeting God & praising/adoring Him) myself.
I'm really sorry, God. But I'm not going to sit here & mope about it. I will learn from this & I will lead worship again, but this time, I will improve, by Your grace & power. & I will meet You myself. I will be Spirit-led. I will not be crippled by fear again.
God, I really need a huge breakthrough in the issue of fear. It really is very depressing to be encaged by something like fear & lack of confidence.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline. - 2 Timothy 1:7"
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you. - Isaiah 41:13"
