As I sat waiting for the train, I decided to take out Darling, my iPod touch & began listening to "Five Loaves & Two Fishes" by Corinne May. This song is one of my favourites. The first time I heard it was in Oasis camp, it was an animation with pictures. & I cried, telling God that my life is His & I want to reach out to the people in TJC before I leave this place I fell in love with God.
Another time this song spoke really strongly to me was when I was on the train to CCA & I just told God, my Lord, I really want to be water baptised for You. It didn't materialise but that decision was made with much fear & trembling.
& this time, God told me, Chloe, my dear child, stop expecting so much from yourself.
It is really one thing to have the spirit of excellence & another to have too many unhealthy expectations.
I remember that time Nic & Kang affirmed me during my birthday last year, "Chloe is someone who really expects the best from herself for the kingdom of God." Yes, nicely put, it's spirit of excellence but God just revealed to me so clearly just now that I am always finding fault with myself in whatever I do. Results, A- or B+, haiyo can do better with God one. Ministry, serving Him & loving Him but heys, can step out of comfort zone more. Worship leading, improving but not improving fast enough & well enough. Family, okay I'm trying my best but not a good salt & light still. & 1 more thing which affects me (& I really suspect might slowly sinisterly becoming a stronghold) filmmaking/ photography, okay I'm just starting out lahs so cut myself some slack, but wait, I'm not the best & worse still, I'm not learning fast enough, my films don't make people go "WOW zai! Upz to the max! Wonderful! Well shot! Insightful!"
Pretty soon, I'll never be good enough in EVERYTHING I put my hands to in my own eyes, by my own sky-high & extremely unhealthy standards.
Before my entry becomes totally emo & some self-pitiful lamentation...
Here are the lyrics from the song that particularly ministered to me
Take my five loaves & two fishes
Do with it as You will
I surrender
Take my fears, my inhibitions, all my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
Hope it's not too small
I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small & I worry that the work I do means nothing at all
But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
& every door that slams in my face I will offer up in prayer
So I'll give You every breath that I have
Oh Lord, You can work miracles
All You need is my Amen
---
Chloe, you're not superwoman even though God is with you. Yes, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Yes, dream big for God, don't lose the passion, the desire & the zeal that you have. Yes, if God is for us, who can be against us? Yes, we should aim to have the Spirit of excellence & be continually improving.
But there is a very dangerous point when your best still doesn't satisfy yourself. "No, that's not my best, I'm sure I could have done better."
Chloe, stop saying "I don't think I did my best, I could have done better lehs." If God is applauding you, does the applause from yourself matter? What can compare to the applause from my Maker, my bestest best friend, my confidente? Applause from the audience during curtain call? Applause from myself for work that meets my own expectations of myself?
No... How can anything compare to God cheering me on? How can anyone's comments compare to God saying "Well done, my faithful & willing vessel, you did your best & I'm proud of you"
In my pursuit to shine for You quickly, I have forgotten whose applause matters the most.
& it's not my own applause. It's Yours.
Ephesians 3:20-21
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. [NLT]
